I am trying to end things on a good note, with love and respect and nothing left unsaid. It’s tough though, especially when you don’t want things to end. Finding your person is hard. Finding a person you want to spend more than a fleeting moment with is hard. He’s been my person for the past 4-1/2 years. I am thankful to have had those years considering there are many people who never get to have even one. I am thankful for how he has helped me express things I have never been good at expressing. Asking for help, for support, for experiences, has always been difficult. Expressing my desires with confidence has also been difficult. What if the answer is no? What if he thinks I am asking too much, or that my desires are too kinky or over the edge? What if he just laughs at me? He has given me yeses and nos. He has laughed at me. But even when it is a no or there is a laugh, it is always followed with support and understanding and an explanation. What if I can’t find that again? There will never be another him, that I am sure of, but there could be someone better. There’s couldn’t be someone who chooses me. At the end of the day that’s all we really want isn’t it? Someone who chooses us? That’s what I’ve always wanted. I’d love to tell him to choose me but it’s too late for that. He’s already chosen someone else and married them. I don’t know if it’s love or honor or something else entirely and it doesn’t matter what or why, it just matters that’s he’s done it and we need to accept it and move on from there.
I can be so calm and rational and understanding on the outside even when I am falling apart and screaming on the inside. I want to beg and plead and scream for him to choose me but I can’t because it’s already done and there is nothing I can say or do to change it. What I can do is support him and put on a happy face until that happy face is more than me just pretending to be happy. I wonder when that will be.
This month is going to be a lot of ups and downs and contradictions. That’s my life right now, or at least me trying to work my way through it. And it’s perfectly understandable if you think I am completely off my rocker by the end of it. I may well be. I want to write about all of it though because even just pouring it out onto the page helps me process things. Lucky you I have a blog to post it on. (Sorry.)