“I miss him.”
“I wish we could have worked things out.”
“I don’t know what went wrong.”
“We were so good together.”
“I want a relationship like that again.”
“I want to be with him again.”
“I miss him.”
Why do we constantly look back at relationships and want to go back? Obviously it wasn’t all roses and orgasms as we’d still be in those relationships if it were. And is it really him we miss, or how we felt during the good times with him?
I have an ex that took me many, many years to get over. He was charismatic and great in bed. I had a worry free life with him. I never had to count my pennies to scrounge together enough money for gas to get me through to pay day. I never had to remove items from my grocery cart because I couldn’t afford them. We had a home and a life together that was good, until it wasn’t. The signs were always there of course. I just chose to ignore them until it wasn’t possible to ignore anymore.
We didn’t share friends, in any fashion. He had his group of friends and I had mine. We might end up in the same bar at the end of the night, but only because either he and his group or me and my group would change bars so we could end the night together. He would not even consider going out for an evening with my friends. That was a sign.
Another note about “sharing” friends. We would talk about bringing someone home to join us. We would talk about it, but he never took me seriously. He screwed around plenty, but that was his thing he wanted to hide away and keep to himself. He would rather cheat and lie to me than open up and move forward exploring together. God forbid I have a dance or spend too long chatting with a guy. He’d fly off the handle and make some remark about me disrespecting him. Right. He’s the guy hiding affairs and making plans with other women sitting on our front step while I made us lunch. Big fucking sign.
I accepted his working away the majority of the year. No, that’s not true. I didn’t accept it, I enjoyed it. I looked forward to the time he was away when I had the freedom to be me. Just me doing things I wanted to do without having to compromise or trying to get him to join me. If he were home too long I would be asking when he was planning to leave again. When he came home after being gone for a month or so we would still have plans without each other several nights a week. Shouldn’t we want nothing more than to just be together a while? Another big sign.
He had no idea who I really was. He painted me with his innocent little girl brush and couldn’t change the picture. I remember a conversation we had while we were going through our separation. He made some comment about being much more sexually experienced than me and I asked him what he thought my experience was. I know you’ve had a couple boyfriends. I told him about my number of sex partners and offered to share my list with him if he wanted. (I no longer have a list.) I told him about having a threesome with two bi men, about having sex in front of someone else, and other various sexcapades. He didn’t believe me. He said I was just saying those things.
That’s when I let him in on a few things he seemed to have overlooked. I met him at a bar while I was waiting for someone else. I continued to see the other guy for several months when we first started dating. Many times when he came to pick me up the other guy was at my house. A few times other guy was wearing nothing but a robe. What did he think was going on? I had handcuffed him to a pole and deliciously tortured him. What did he think I had the toys and handcuffs for? Yeah, he conveniently forgot those things.
For all the signs I didn’t see, or chose to ignore, there were many good things about that relationship. Life was easy and comfortable, worry free where money was concerned. That’s the big thing, not having worries about money. We all want to be able to live that way but it is unrealistic for many. Once you are able to live that way you never forget the feeling of freedom that comes with it. That’s what I miss, that feeling of freedom. I don’t miss him so much as the way I felt with that freedom. Would I ever go back to him? Not a chance. I’ve seen the signs.
Go check out all the posts helping Marie celebrate 400 weeks of Wicked Wednesday.