Guarded, generous, gentle, giddy, glad, gloomy,
good, good-natured, grateful, gratified, great, greedy,
green with envy, grief-stricken, groovy, grouchy,
grumpy, guilty, gullible, guilty, GORGEOUS
If we can feel blue or green why can’t we feel beautiful and gorgeous? We can look gorgeous but can we feel gorgeous? I say yes, yes we can.
Beauty is about far more than just our clothes and makeup. It is about who we are as people, what kind of heart and soul we have, and also about how our loved ones see us. We throw away plates that get chips in them. We bring our car with the dent in the passenger door to the shop to get fixed back to its original smooth exterior. But we don’t throw away our lover because his hair has all fallen out or because she has gained 50 lbs. Truth is we may not even notice. How many women have come home with a new hair cut and their husbands haven’t noticed? You all raised your hands didn’t you? The reason they don’t notice is because they have a picture in their mind of their loved one and variations in outer appearance doesn’t change that picture. Feelings can change that picture, lack of feelings can change it, but a new hair cut or pair of jeans can’t.
We think of beauty as being an adjective to describe appearance rather than a feeling but I can feel beautiful, gorgeous even. There are moments I feel gorgeous but of course there are also very many more moments that I don’t. When I am cleaning the house or digging in the garden dirt, I don’t look or feel beautiful. When I am laid up in bed sick, gorgeous is definitely not a word that comes to mind. It is nowhere in sight. When he looks at me though, even in those moments of grunge and sickness, when he really looks at me rather than at my clothes or hair or any of the outer façade I put on for the world, I feel gorgeous. I see his love and desire and that is what makes me feel like the most gorgeous woman in the world.
When I am kneeling in front of him after being choked by his manhood to a point where I gag and tears cause my makeup to run and smear across my face, when my hair looks like a rat’s nest and my body is red and bruised, I feel gorgeous. I feel beautiful and strong and confidant and alive. I also feel small and weak and vulnerable and completely exhausted. Funny thing that, that I could feel all these things at once, that I could look like a homeless hooker yet feel like a gorgeous princess. This is part of the complex nature of being a submissive, at least for me.
The saying is “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” It is, yet we continue to think of the beholder as someone other than ourselves.