Calm, capable, captivated, careless, cautious,
centered, chagrined, challenged, changeable,
charmed, cheated, cheerful, childish, civilized,
clear-headed, clever, clumsy, coarse, cold, combative,
comfortable, commonplace, compassionate, competent
competitive, complaining, conceited, condemned,
confident, confused, conspicuous, conscientious,
considerate, contempt, contented, contrite, conventional,
cool, cooperative, courageous, conservative,
cowardly, cranky, cruel, CRUSHED, curious, cynical
Many moons ago now, I caught my fiancé cheating on me. He wasn’t just cheating though, he was flaunting it and getting us mixed up. He called me one night thinking I was one of the many. Oh, he lied to her just as he had been me, but during the whole conversation he never realized it was me. We had been together for nearly seven years. We owned our home and were planning our wedding, had just booked the minister the day prior actually. How could he not realize he was talking to me? Hadn’t he been paying attention all those years? Had he ever loved me? I was crushed.
I was hurting so bad that I contemplated ending it all. Not really contemplated so much as felt that I may end up losing complete control to a point that it would happen. Things were fuzzy for a while. Was I depressed? No, not really. Was I scared? Yes. Was I sad? Yes, but it was more than that. I was broken and crushed, completely crushed. One night after a particularly difficult evening I broke down big time. I couldn’t stop crying and began to hyperventilate. Not a good state for anyone let alone little ol’ asthmatic me. He found me curled up in a ball on the kitchen floor. He was good in that moment. He got me medication and helped me back to bed, staying with me to ensure I was okay. It was just a moment though, a moment that didn’t last.
I wanted to believe that he really did love me, that all this was some kind of cruel nightmare, but that wasn’t the case. It was difficult to reconcile
our my previous reality with the current state of affairs. He was the man who did everything to win me over, who went down on bended knee to ask me to marry him. He promised he would never lie to me, never hurt me, and do everything in his power to make me happy. After more than six years together I found out he was cheating less than a month later.
Love and heartbreak. We all have a need to connect to other human beings. While loving someone, being in love, is one of the best feelings in the world, opening ourselves up to love also leaves us vulnerable to getting hurt, to ending up feeling heartbroken, or as in my case, completely crushed. It has happened one other time, me feeling crushed. That was just a few years ago and although I never got to the point of breaking down as I had previously, I did spend a whole week in bed or on the couch crying and sleeping and wondering why I continued to let this happen to me.
I continue to let it happen because I continue to believe in love and because I think that the risks are worth it. I would rather have a year of love and utter happiness than spend the rest of my life afraid of getting hurt again. Have I changed? Yes, of course. Every experience we have changes us in some way even if we can’t immediately see it. There are days I wish I could have stopped myself from feeling so hurt, so crushed, but most days I am just thankful that I made it and know I am a stronger person for having allowed it to happen. I am more cautious and guarded when meeting new people than I used to be. I question things, sometimes too much, but that’s okay. That’s what I need now. It doesn’t stop me from loving, it doesn’t keep me from giving people chances and seeing where they go. If you can’t take a little more time with me then you aren’t meant to be one of my loves.