AtoZ 2016: Ashamed

Abandoned, absent-minded, absorbed, accepted, active,
adamant, adaptable, adequate, adventurous,
affected, affectionate, afraid, aggressive,
aggravated, agitated, agony, agreeable, alarmed, alert,
alienated, almighty, aloof, altered, amazed,
ambitious, ambivalent, amused, angry, animated,
animosity, anguished, annoyed, anxious,
appalled, apathetic, appreciative, apprehensive,
ardent, argumentative, arrogant, ASHAMED,
assertive, astonished, astounded, aversion, awed, awful,
awkward

When I first started putting together my posts for the AtoZ Challenge I was surprise to see ashamed here but shame not on the S list of feelings and emotions. They are often used interchangeably but are actually two different word types, a noun versus an adjective. What do you feel? Shame. How do you feel? Ashamed. I am no expert and this post isn’t meant to give you an English lesson though, so I’ll stop with the language lesson here.

If you’ve read any of my blog before (aside from looking at the naughty pictures and erotica of course) you will know that I ask a lot of questions, often more than I answer. I like to make you think about things like I do. My brain rarely shuts down, hence the nights of little sleep. I don’t expect anyone to agree with me or feel the same as I do about whatever topic I am discussing, I just want you to think about things and interpret them in your own way, answer the questions for yourself.

What causes you to feel ashamed? How do you act when you are ashamed, what are your tells? One thing I can be certain of is that we will all have very different answers to these questions.

I don’t know that I’ve ever truly felt ashamed by my own actions of being. Embarrassed? Sure. Guilty? Yes. Sorry? Absolutely. But ashamed, no. I am not ashamed of my scars or rolls and dimples that cover my body. I was never ashamed of how I grew up or where I lived. I have friends who were deeply ashamed, eight kids growing up in a three bedroom trailer and never having a brand new piece of clothes or pair of shoes to wear. The fact that they mastered all their academic studies never helped them overcome that feeling.

I am not ashamed of my sexual desires or kinks. I like what I like and I’m okay with it regardless of what anyone else thinks of them. I may be shy when initially talking to you face to face about them but my shyness will eventually pass and I’ll tell you all about my favorite toy or position or desire eventually, if you stay past the shyness of course. I will not feel one bit ashamed or embarrassed. There are a large number of people who are very ashamed of their sexuality though, and the sad thing is that they are only ashamed because they’ve been taught to be, because someone shamed them into thinking that their sexuality was wrong.

The only thing I’ve ever been ashamed of, which oddly makes me feel ashamed just admitting it, is being associated with a certain man. I hate to say it but some of the things he’s done and continues to do go far beyond embarrassing. Having to admit to a police officer that I was related to the man who left his eight year old child home alone overnight… who makes double what I do but is constantly broke and asking for money, who ransacked my car looking for some drugs he’d lost, who keeps a bottle of “clean stuff” in case he has to take a surprise drug test for work… that made me feel ashamed to even know him let alone that I was related to him. In addition to the many things he does, I think that fact that I love him makes me feel even more ashamed. How can I love someone who has done all these awful things? Easy, he’s my brother.

I blush, sometimes to an extreme, when I am embarrassed. I can’t imagine what I looked like to that police officer. A very unflattering shade of red I’m sure. How else does my body react to feeling ashamed? I get hot and sweaty, I can’t keep eye contact, and I kinda feel like I may vomit. I will also look for a way out, a place to run to and hide.

No matter what causes us to feel ashamed or how we react to it, we aren’t stuck that way forever. The poor child in the mobile home will eventually grow up and venture out on their own. The man who is ashamed to admit he likes wearing women’s underwear will eventually, we hope, find the confidence to not let the ideals others try to force on him matter. The family member who embarrasses and humiliates us may always do that but we realize that we aren’t responsible for their actions and we learn to accept the good parts they give and leave the rest because if we don’t we lose all of them.

 

Twitter: @stellakiink
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One thought on “AtoZ 2016: Ashamed

  1. This has really made me think. Am I ever ashamed or was I ever? Yes, I think I was. Not about my body or my kinks or even falling pregnant at the age of 16, but I was and sometimes still is ashamed of the fact that my father has pushed me out of his life and seems to be content not having any contact with me, or my children. I’m sometimes ashamed of that, even though I know it says more about my father than about me. Other than that, I cannot think of anything I am ashamed of. Shy about, or embarrassed yes, but not ashamed.

    Thanks for a thought-provoking post.

    Rebel xox

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