We said no expectations. We said that D/s wasn’t the dynamic of our relationship. We said that because of distance and circumstance. It made sense. It still makes sense. What I want, what I need, doesn’t always make sense though. You know me well enough to know the difference between what I say I want and what I actually truly want, even when I may not be sure myself.
No expectations? No D/s? That’s not what I want. What I want is the complete opposite. I want expectations. I want rules and tasks and routines. I want to know that you want more than what I currently give you, that you expect more of me and that there will be consequences to me not meeting your expectations. I want to be told what to do rather than given a suggestion that I can choose to follow or not without any follow up, without any repercussions.
I test these things. You know I do. I don’t test to determine worthiness or to be a brat. It isn’t always a conscious effort either. It’s like being 5 minutes late for curfew to see if your parents really will ground you. Or jumping in that big puddle of mud you were told not to. Sounds kind of childish when I put it that way. I guess it is in a sense. Our parents set rules and limits for us to protect us. This is how we know they love and care about us. They don’t just say the words, they follow up their words with actions. They punish us when we don’t follow the rules or go past the set limits because they love us, because they want to protect us, because they want us to learn and grow into better human beings. I want to know you love me. I want to know you care. I want you to know I love and care for you. I want to be a better human being not just for you, but also with you.
We are who we are, Dom and sub. Regardless of what we say our relationship is or is not, we are those people and we are those people with each other. We live our lives according to those roles whether they are warranted or expected or not. The cherry tree doesn’t stop being a cherry tree because it doesn’t bear fruit this season. Next season, in the right conditions, it will bear fruit again. It is still a cherry tree. I am still a sub even if I have no Dom. You are a Dom even if you have no sub. Having the other half to our D/ or /s is just our tree bearing fruit.
I want to do the things you expect of me regardless of the dynamic we set for ourselves, regardless of the limitations we have. It is my nature. It is who I am.