There was a post all ready to go yesterday afternoon but the app on my phone decided it had other plans for it. It will never be quite the same but let’s see if I can get my thoughts across. Two different takes on the same words…
I always thought the worst someone could feel towards you was disappointment. Be mad, be angry, but don’t ever be disappointed. “I’m disappointed in you.” It hurts to even write it down. The thing with disappointment though is that it means someone is thinking about you, that they are invested in you and have expectations. Those are good things.
Disappointment isn’t the worst though, indifference is. With indifference there is no interest or concern for you at all, you are completely irrelevant. I was going to say it’s like being invisible, only it isn’t quite like that. It’s knowing you are completely visible while being treated as though you are invisible. Nothing you do or say has any bearing on the person treating you that way.
You can get over disappointment, you can move forward and learn from it. You can’t move forward with indifference.
There have been times when I’ve been disappointed in how a situation has played out or how an experience didn’t meet certain expectations. That kind of disappointment is different as it isn’t directed at any person. Like being flogged at the dungeon, for example. I enjoyed being flogged prior to that, and have been enjoying it immensely the past few months, but that one night at the dungeon was a rather disappointing experience. What made it feel that way? Any number of things, none of which I can pinpoint.
I had a friend who was indifferent when it came to sex. She didn’t hate it but she didn’t enjoy it either. I remember comments two of her partners made. One said he’d never go there with her again because it was like fucking a dead fish. She just lay there and did nothing. No movement. No talking or moaning. Nothing. The other guy said that he kept going back because he could do whatever he wanted, she didn’t care. Anything he wanted to do or try she would let him. Once he tried the things he wanted he left too. You can’t have a relationship with someone who is completely indifferent to sex.
I never really thought people could be like that, indifferent about sex. I mean there comes a point when you can no longer keep starfishing, when you have to start fucking and moaning and give in to the sensations that are taking over your body. There does, doesn’t it? For me there does. I can play the disinterested partner, I can pretend your hands aren’t affecting me, pretend I’m not turned on, but only to a point. Eventually I have to start moving my hips and give in to the pleasure I am feeling. Even when I am playing at being disinterested or indifferent I am still engaged. If you don’t feel pleasure, if you can starfish the whole way through, why bother doing it at all?