I don’t know what I was thinking when I thought this month would make ending things easier. Spending more time together is making it harder. Enjoying his company, sleeping in his arms… it just made it hurt more. And it shouldn’t hurt, not now, not two years after he went off and married someone else. But no, silly girl I am, I thought let’s be grown up and mature about things. Let’s enjoy our last month together and end this thing we’ve been doing for the past four and a half years on a high note. The fuck was I thinking? Nothing is easy when your heart is involved, when you find someone who gets you, who makes you feel safe and wanted and loved. Even with all the crap I come with, he never made me feel less than. Well, except for when he showed up married. That really fucking sucked. And what did I do when he told me? I honestly did not believe him at first. Why would I? But I was heading out on vacation and couldn’t let myself have a meltdown in that moment. I needed to finish packing and catch my ride. I smiled and said that if he was happy I was happy for him. I wasn’t lying. I do want him to be happy, but I can want him to be happy while still being hurt and upset about it. I can love him and still hate him in that moment. And as I reflect now I think I should have been honest about how I was feeling in that moment rather than trying to be pragmatic and understanding. Stiff upper lip and what not. I also think I should have ended things that day rather than continuing on for another two fucking years knowing full well it was not going to change the outcome. I don’t want to be sad and hurt anymore. I could have been over him by now. I could be happy.