Today was a day off filled with plans for a nice four day weekend ahead. An early start with a few stops before heading out on a road trip to visit friends and say good-bye to an old friend we lost earlier this year. The trip has been planned for over a month. Did I do anything I had planned today? No. Not a single one. Instead of a nice afternoon drive full of lake views and quaint little roadside stops I spent it curled up in my bed sleeping the day away and hiding from the world. I hit the fucking wall again.
I have always had issues with depression and anxiety, that’s nothing new, so losing a day here or there has become a fact of life for me. I still hate it, hate that it takes away time I could be spending doing things that bring me joy. Sure saying good-bye to someone lost isn’t a joyful thing, but being able to celebrate them surrounded by friends and reminiscing about all the crazy times we’ve had is a good thing. It is good for the soul. The problem now isn’t so much due to depression or anxiety, though yes they still like to take up space, but because my body just reaches a point where it’s had enough and needs to stop.
Since being sick at the end of 2020 (Fuck you Covid!), I find that I can’t push past being tired anymore. The more I try the harder I hit the god damned wall. If I feel tired I need to sleep. Trying to power through just results in me falling asleep suddenly. And I do mean suddenly. I’ve been in the middle of watching a show then woke up an hour or two later. It isn’t even a 10 minute power snooze. I was having sex last weekend when it happened. What the serious fucked up bullshit is that? I was having a great time but my body decided I needed a break and I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I begged for 5 minutes but woke up over an hour later.
I am afraid the same thing might happen when I am driving and I won’t catch it to pull over and take a break. What if I am driving down the 401 when it happens? I’m driving along then next thing I know I am waking up in the hospital, or not at all? Right, more anxiety. Like that’s going to help. I can’t even have a shower without needing to have a nap after.
My doctors have sent me for test upon test and tried all kinds of medicines and supplements but nothing seems to be helping. I thought my son being away for six weeks would help. My stress and anxiety would be much less than it is when he’s here but no, it’s not helped at all. Have any of you all experience this or something similar? What do you do when you hit the wall? Has anything helped? I don’t want to be fighting it for the rest of my life and I sure as heck can’t just roll over and accept it.