DD – I’m Scared

Dear Diary,

I’m scared. I’m scared I am going to die. I’m scared this damn virus is going to take me away from my son. Even after surviving it, it could still kill me. I stopped watching the news or looking for updates online. The stats are all distorted anyway so what’s the point?

All the talk is about how many survived the virus vs how many died. Nobody talks about how the survivors are really doing, about how they continue to suffer long after contracting it. Many survivors have been unable to work for 6 months or more because they still have debilitating headaches, insomnia, shortness of breath, or because they suddenly have chronic pain they never had before. The virus has damaged peoples lungs/heart/brain. It’s fucking scary.

It’s been 40 days since I first got sick with Covid. I still have headaches every day. I still need to have a nap, or two, every day because the 2-3 hours of sleep I get at night is just not enough. I’m not even back full time yet because even with the naps I can’t work more than two days in a row without feeling like I got hit by a Mack truck and being out of commission for days. I could chill a drink with my cold hands and feet (though nobody would want that), and I’m sure I’ve lost more hair in the past month than in the previous twenty months combined. Oh, and let’s not forget that driest of dry mouths thing I have going on. That’s loads of fun.

Every day there is something new and different happening to my body. Recently my brain has decided it isn’t going to communicate with my body properly so now I also “forget” to breathe. That automatic function I’ve done since the minute I came into this world, suddenly it doesn’t work. My chest isn’t tight, I’m not wheezing, and my inhalers do nothing because it isn’t asthma or my breathing passages causing the issue. I simply forget to breathe.

Not sure when the “loses all the weight you want” phase is but I’m kind of looking forward to that one if I get over this whole fear of dying thing.

One thought on “DD – I’m Scared

  1. I am so sorry to hear you are still struggling, Stella, and hope things will start improving for you and you won’t feel as scared anymore. Take care!
    ~ Marie xox

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