I was having a tough day last week. Yesterday. Today. Well… to be honest I’ve been having a lot of tough days for a while now. Working from home full time while having my son at home and trying to get him to do schoolwork each day for three and a half months. Just the two of us. It takes a toll. Thankfully the school part is over, but nothing else has changed in the past five months. I’m tired. So fucking tired.
You know those times when you feel nothing is going right? Like things are getting harder rather than easier? Maybe you don’t. It could just be me. It’s been a building for a while now. Sure there are times when things are great and I’m great, and the demon recedes to the far corners leaving me in peace. But those moments are few and fleeting. It lurks now, taunting me with its presence.
We’re still here weakling. Lazy ass weakling. We like it here and we aren’t leaving. Do you think anyone else wants to be with you? No way. Nobody cares. You are weak. You are nothing. You can’t do anything right. You need us to remind you of that. You are worthless. You may as well just roll over and die.
It smiles and waves at me like we are best friends. Putting it’s things away in the drawer I’ve conveniently cleared out, hoping to take up permanent residence. That damn demon has been taking up space in my life for far too long already and really needs to catch the next train out of here. But how do I give it the boot?
Every day is a fucking struggle. Every. Damn. Day. But you know what? I still fight it, most days. I still get up every day, even if it is at noon, and I show up. I do my job. I take care of my son. My son who thinks the sun shines from me. Little does he know he is my sunshine.
I asked him to help me with something a little while back. A box. A delivery that needed to be brought downstairs. This boy. This wonderful, thoughtful, gem of a boy.
Me: Be careful honey. It’s a big box but it isn’t heavy. Be careful on the stairs.
Son: I am a strong independent boy Mama.
Me: I know honey.
Son: I am a strong independent boy and you are a strong independent woman.
I may be struggling, and the demon may still be here, but I’m still a strong independent woman damnit!