My Nightmare Affects My kinky Life

We all have nightmares don’t we? Worries about those horrible things that might happen, that could happen, and even things that are near impossibilities. Dreams of falling off a cliff or drowning in the ocean, even though we live nowhere near either of these places. These nightmares may be based on a real life fear, or they may begin as a nightmare that turns into a real life fear. My nightmare may be a combination of the two.

I have asthma. I find it hard to breathe at times and I’m almost constantly afraid I won’t be able to breathe. A simple cold can wreck havoc when I find myself congested and having to puff on an inhaler several times a day. Going to the dentist will often trigger bouts of anxiety. Between the suction tube that I swear is going to suck the air right out of me and not being able to swallow the fluids that accumulate while my mouth is propped open to help prevent lock jaw, it’s a wonder why I even go in the first place. I can’t even have the dentist knock me out because going under anesthesia triggers an asthma attack all on it’s own. Good thing he’s cute to look at and gives me all the happy feelings when he says, “Good girl,” and tells me I’m doing well. Sigh.

When I was little, about 4 or 5 years old, I had a recurring nightmare that I was drowning. I would wake up gasping for air after a nightmare that had me fighting to get out of a car that had ran off the road and plunged into the ocean. I would get myself calmed down before getting up and moving on to another bedroom with one of my siblings or my parents, just to fall asleep and wake up gasping for air again from the same damn nightmare. I recall it happening about four times that first night. I continued to have the same nightmare periodically until my late teens, and then once or twice since then.

Was the drowning nightmare a manifestation of my breathing problem? Likely. Though I wasn’t officially diagnosed with asthma until I was 10 years old.

So how does this affect my kinky life? Am I afraid I’m going to drown? Not quite. I am afraid though, that I won’t be able to breathe and that I won’t be able to communicate that to my partner. I also get extremely anxious and often won’t try something that I think could potentially interfere with my ability to breathe.

Deep-throating. Ball gags. Breath play. These are activities that play into that fear in a very bad way. Thing is, they also tend to play to my masochistic side. A strong had around my neck, squeezing and limiting my intake of air causes me to be both extremely turned on and in near panic. Taking a cock into my mouth, teasing it with my tongue, feeling it grow and respond to me brings me to near orgasm myself. When he tells me to take it all and encourages me with his words I am eager to please. Hearing him tell me he is pleased with his good little girl makes me want to devour every bit of him, but when he pushes his cock to the back of my throat and holds my head still I immediately panic. My throat contracts and my mouth suddenly feels like it isn’t big enough to take even the tip of him in. I gag, my eyes burn, and I push back. I don’t want to push back, to let him down, but I can’t help it. It makes me feel like I back in that nightmare drowning and fighting for air.

 

 

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6 thoughts on “My Nightmare Affects My kinky Life

  1. I have breathing problems of my own, related mostly to panic attacks and often triggered by a feeling of claustrophobia or air space encroachment. It doesn’t help that I had a near-drowning incident as a child, and have *active* memories of my brother repeatedly shoving my head under water, while trying to keep his own head above the waves.

    Does it affect my kink?

    No. Unless you consider reinforcement of Hard No’s to be ‘affecting’.

    It definitely affects my sex life though. I have had to go through lengthy pre-emptive “It’s not you, it’s me” type explanations and have inadvertently hurt partners’ feelings because GODDAMMIT, GET AWAY FROM ME doesn’t really go over very well. But sometimes, aside from physically assaulting the poor bastard who’s trying to kiss me, that’s the only way I can communicate when all that’s running through my head is a neon readerboard flashing Can’tBreathe Can’tBreathe CAN’TBREATHE.

    :: sigh ::

    It affects my ability to kiss (Stop stealing my AIR!), to snuggle (feeltrapped, FEELTRAPPED), to have anyone’s form or weight above/over me, to do anything sexual in the shower for fear of getting spray on/near my face or blocking my airway…

    Etc., ad infinitum.

    Which is basically just a really long way of saying, “I get it.”

    Oh, and also: I hate the dentist. I don’t care how cute he is.

    Thanks for posting this. :)

  2. Thank you for the insight into your breathing problems. Makes me, who has good breathing, reflect upon the problems you and others suffer. The deep throating episode and how it causes you to think you are back in your drowning nightmare was very scary but described with such clarity.

  3. Thanks folks, I hadn’t thought about my own childhood near drowning experiences and the asthma and the sex stuff till now. It’s not as bad as what either of you describe, but then my kinks don’t involve ball gags, and I am always, always in control during oral. But I can’t stand holding things like pens (that’s not a typo) in my mouth, don’t go in the deep end of the pool, have had issues with breathing and the weight of another body on me on occasions. Can’t stand dental work – have been about three times in twenty years when I’ve absolutely had to, and I have a female dentist, I cannot stand chunky fingers near my mouth (bit a dentist once) – no dental kinks for me thank you.

  4. I think many people have some kind of issues that affect their sex lives. I used to as well, luckily they have diminished somewhat now. I really hope this happens for you.

  5. Reading about your nightmares about drowning immediately reminded me of my own. I have taught myself somewhere in my preteens to wake myself when I start to drown and still do so today. I just cannot dream of water as it always ends with me drowning, so the moment there’s water in my dream, I fight to wake myself. As for breathing problems… I feel like I cannot breathe when I lie on my stomach, especially when I am on a soft surface, like a bed. I cannot handle something over my nose either. No hoods, no hogtie for my, not when facing down. In that it definitely affect my kink. Not even my masochistic side can get me to accept any of these…

    Rebel xox

  6. fears and nightmares can paralyze us in life as much as in dreams. I would hope your partner knows your fears and is well aware of them. They should be discussed and kept in check for your safety as well as emotional well being. As a Dom it is my duty to my submissive partner to make sure I respect and pay close attention to any limits I am aware of as well as any change in his/her behavior that would indicate real terror and panic. After all this is not supposed to be traumatic but freeing and opening new areas of life and pleasures to explore

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