I don’t know

I don’t know why I’ve not posted anything these past few months. I’ve changed jobs, but that’s not it. I’ve changed jobs several times since I first started blogging. I’ve been lonely, but that’s not it either. I’ve written and taken plenty of pics when I’ve been without a partner. I could say I’ve not been inspired, but that’s not it either. There are plenty of piecrs that sit in my writing folder outlined or partially written. I even jot notes when I wake up in the middle of the night. Could it be the constant pain I am in? Maybe. Maybe it is a combination of all of these things and more I’ve not allowed myself to see just yet.

I don’t want to write the same things over and over. Yet, isn’t that what life is? We do the same things most days. We may not eat the same meal for dinner each evening but we still eat and we only know so many recipes or go to so many restaurants. We learn the ways we enjoy sex and we do those things. There are always slight variations of course, based on our specific desires and partner we are with. Even without a partner do we not tend to masturbate to the same fantasies or with the same movements, same toys? If life is about continuing to do the same things in a variety of ways then writing should work the same way. Maybe I just need to learn more ways.

I sit here wondering what is wrong with my life. I don’t know. I enjoy my job and the work I do there. I have a fantastic little boy who is truly the love of my life. I have friends I can laugh with and cry with and depend on if I need them, just as they can with me. I have a man I love but never see. That is a tough one, but in many ways I get more out of that relationship than I have from others previously. Would I like more? Absolutely. Could I find that more with someone else? I certainly could if I wanted to. I just don’t want to right now. My focus is elsewhere, on my child, on his happiness and doing my best to make sure he doesn’t grow up to be an asshole.

I’ve considered closing up shop. Stopping writing all together and shutting down my blog. I really don’t want to do that though. I know if I did shut it down I would eventually just start another. That is a possibility, though one I’m not ready for right now.

I don’t know what is missing or needed or what will happen next. I don’t know if Stella will cease being or if she will find new life in the days ahead. I do hope it is the latter.


3 thoughts on “I don’t know

  1. I do hope for the latter too. It will be sad to see you go 🙁

    Take care of you, sweetie, and do what’s best for YOU!

    Rebel xox

  2. I’ve been thinking similar thoughts, though mine is perhaps related to reconciling to my husband on top of the business of a new job.
    Would hate to see you go. Maybe just keep this space open and use it when you want?

  3. Ani

    Sometimes we need a fallow period when we rest and recuperate for the growing season to come. Do what you need to do!

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