“This weekend we are at Eroticon Live in Bristol and this afternoon there will be some kink demos and discussions. That made me wonder – is there anything you would like to do in front of an audience, or not? Why? Why not? What would you like to do? Would you want interaction, or only onlookers? Or maybe you’ve been there, done that…
Share your sexy thoughts and/or experiences.”
Marie’s prompt for Wicked Wednesday this week really got me thinking. What do I think of being in front of an audience, and how would I react? There are so many variables here. I could love it or hate it. I could thrive in front of an audience or turn various shades of red and completely freeze up. It all depends.
When I was young, in grade two I believe, I was put in front of an audience (my class) and made to show them the scar I have down my chest from open heart surgery. I forgot about this little act in time, blocked it out for many years until I was in my 30’s and put some effort into learning how to stand up in front of an audience and present to them. During my highschool years, and even into college, I would just take a zero mark for any presentations I was supposed to do. How I managed to graduate on the honor roll is still a mystery to me. Even with the classes and public speaking training I still have never been able to get up in front of any kind of group and speak. I did manage to give a toast at my brother’s wedding a few years ago but I was off to the side of a room and the guests were spread out among several rooms so most of them weren’t able to see me.
I’ve been to swinger clubs where I basically had sex in front of an audience. That was pretty damn hot! I was having sex, sometimes with more than one partner, while people stood around watching us. I could make eye contact with multiple people while someone else fucked me or made me squirt all over the bed. I even talked to some of them during it. They would ask how the “big stud” felt and other such things. Did any of that make me uncomfortable? Not in the least. I loved it!
I’ve also been with someone privately while another watched or listened. The first time was about 25 years ago when my ex boyfriend and I had sex in the back of his van while his friend sat in the passenger seat. He never even asked to join us, whether for real or in jest. And just last year a partner’s friend listened then watched from the open bedroom door. He also never asked to join, at least not while I was there. Apparently there were discussions between them as to what was allowed prior to my arrival. Both times I was turned on knowing that they were there and both times I made sure I put on a show for my audience.
This blog, and other forms of social media to some degree, is kind of like putting myself in front of an audience. Although I am still far away from you and safe at home behind my computer. I post naked pictures that you can view and write stories about myself that you can read. People comment and ask questions to which I get to respond. Sometimes its a two way conversation, other times it’s a simple comment or a “like.” One thing about this blog though is that I get to decide what I post. I get to decide what you are able to see or read. There are times I post things that I am told to post, but if I had an issue with those things and said I did not want to post them he would be okay with that. It is ultimately up to me what I allow or what I don’t.
What I have a problem with is when someone takes that power, that decision, away from me without my knowledge. That’s what happened about a year and half ago. I had a stalker. He would show up to events and hound me. He even tried following me a few times. He stalked me online and tried to connect with me through numerous sites and apps. He made up new names and profiles to contact me with thinking he could outsmart me. He took the decision of what I allowed him to see away from me. He became the audience to a show I didn’t know I was putting on, a show I didn’t want to put on.
The stalker has been taking care of, there is a restraining order in place, but much like after that schoolroom incident back in grade two it has had some lasting effects. It left me being afraid to put myself in front of an audience again. I stopped hosting the local munch. I stopped attending them all together. My blogging and participating in the memes I love slowed down and eventually stopped. Posting just about anything here has stopped for some time. I tried to do the A to Z Challenge back in April and pretty much failed at it. I did manage 17 posts but they weren’t what I wanted to do with the challenge and they didn’t help get me back to where I want to be writing and blogging.
I lost the confidence I had worked so hard to get and I need to find a way to get it back as time seems to be doing more harm than good.
This post is extremely late for Wicked Wednesday but Marie was gracious enough to let me link anyway. Thank you.
Please click the button below to check out what everyone else had to say about audiences this week.