I’ve been playing out scenarios in my mind all week. Playing and replaying. Sometimes worst case, sometimes best. Me begging, him ignoring. Him showing up on my doorstep and telling me he loves me, how he can’t live without me. No matter how many times I do it, how many different ways it goes, I will never imagine with real life will actually bring. I couldn’t possibly. We chatted a last night. Nothing major. No big revelations or professions of undying love. He congratulated me on the new job and said he was proud of me, PROUD OF ME, and it felt so fucking good. That may have been better than any profession of love because I already know he loves me. I’m no fool though, I know nothing has changed. He is where he is living his life and I am here living mine. I can’t spend my time waiting and hoping for something that is not going to happen. That is why I had to say goodbye to begin with. It wasn’t because I don’t love him, but because I do. Feeling a momentary twinge of sadness thinking of him being with someone else but knowing he is happy is far better than growing to resent him because he is unable to do or be what I want him to. By saying goodbye I am finally giving myself permission to find love with someone else.
That was last night. Today I am cooking and cleaning, and getting ready for another visit from the Tooth Fairy.