When we talk about trust we are most often referring to trust of another. What about trusting ourselves? What about trusting what we want? Truth be told that is what I have the biggest issue with, trusting myself. Oh, I trust that I can take care of my son and ensure he is happy and healthy. I also trust that I am knowledgeable enough to always have job opportunities available to me. What I don’t trust is verbalizing my wants and desires to my partners. Oh, I can do it here no problem. I can let all my bits hang out here. Telling my partners, in person, face to face with no barrier between us, with no ability to delete and rewrite, well that is something different entirely.
Recently, Mr S and I were having some fun and he said something that made me laugh. I didn’t laugh at him or because it was funny. I laughed at myself. I laughed more as a relief than anything else because he had asked me to do something that I enjoy doing, something that I know we would both enjoy, but haven’t in many years. Why haven’t I done it? I’m not entirely sure. Maybe I thought it was something I shouldn’t do, or something my partners wouldn’t like me doing. Maybe it was just because I never asked before. We often leave things unsaid, desires unfulfilled, simply because we don’t want to open ourselves up and be thought less of or be made fun of for having them.We don’t trust ourselves. We don’t trust that what we want is ok, regardless of what anybody else may think.
I want to be talked dirty to. I want to be called names and told what a slut I am.
I want you to say no so I can beg you for what I want.
I want you to photograph me. I want to see what you see.
I want to be desired.
I want you to use me for your pleasure.
I want to be shared by numerous men. I want you to watch.
I want to be naked and play while others watch.
I want to drive my fake cock into you the way you drive your real one into me. I want to make you my bitch.
I want to queen you.
I want to watch you suck another man’s cock. I want to share one with you.
I want to learn how your body reacts to various stimuli. I want to blindfold you so you only feel and experience without any preconceived notions seeing would give you.
I want you to restrain me and force my orgasm, over and over again.
I don’t want you to stop, even when I beg you to.
I want to be able to express all of these things to you and more. If I can tell you what I want here for the whole world to see, why can’t I do it when you ask, when I am laying naked beside you?