Jealous Much?

Victor and Tasha have to wait another week. I had started the next post in the series but things, as often happens in my life, got in the way. I was quite sick with bronchitis and am just beginning to feel halfway normal again. The coughing is dying down and everything no longer feels like I was punched in it.

On to my actual Wicked Wednesday post for the week…

In the vanilla world there’s this rule about dating a friends ex. Don’t do it. Simple. It’s a rule I’ve always followed and one that has caused the end of more than one friendship between some of my friends. Now, in my new wonderfully kinky life and community, this rule doesn’t really apply. Actually, the rule is more like don’t play with someone you can’t get references for. Which basically means if you don’t know someone who knows them, or someone who knows someone who knows them, and can vouch for their character then you maybe shouldn’t go there.

How odd, and totally fantastic, this was to me. Rather than having a girlfriend point out a man she has had a relationship with and saying, “I’ve been there so don’t go there,” she says something like “I’ve been there, you should go there,” or “He is a great Dom, have you met him yet? I think you guys would hit it off.” It reminds me of those parties people used to have, and possibly still do although I haven’t heard of them in a quite some time, where everyone brings an ex-lover or ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife. The idea is that we all have exes who, even though it didn’t work out between the two of us, are great and would be perfect for someone else. We support them in finding someone new who will be better suited for them rather than kicking them to the curb and telling people you know to steer clear of them.

I’ve always been of the mindset that regardless whether you’ve had sex with someone or not, if you think they would be a good match for someone you know you should be able to introduce them, set them up even if that’s your thing. I always followed the don’t go near my ex rule simply because I found people to be too petty and jealous and didn’t want to stir the pot. They think that because they once shared a kiss or a bed or the backseat of a car that they somehow have ownership over them. Some people, women more so in my experience, even play the don’t go near my ex card for men who aren’t their exes. Sarah had the biggest crush on Tom when they were in 5th and 6th grades and it would devastate her if you ever hooked up with him. Seriously? Yep, that shit happens.

I dated this guy named Shawn one summer when I was in high school. We were friends for years, we grew up next door to each other, and this summer we became more than friends for a while. During that time we attended the weddings of his sister and one of his cousins. I am all over the wedding videos. Our fling didn’t last beyond the summer but it is forever documented on those videos. The following year he started dating the woman who has since become his wife. They have three sons and have been married more than twenty years. Still, even with all those years of marriage between them and my being nothing more than a spec of a dot twenty-odd years ago, she is jealous of me. Any time I’ve run into him, which has only been a handful of times since we now live more than 1,500 miles and a body of water apart, we can’t even have a conversation if she is there or anyone who would tell her they saw me is there. I get that you can have moments of insecurity and that starting a relationship with someone after they have recently shared some big moments with someone else can cause you to feel some pangs of jealousy, but if you are so insecure in your relationship after more than twenty years together that you can’t even handle your husband saying hello you have more issues than just some petty jealousy about me.

I’ve never been a jealous person though so I don’t really understand people who are. To me it is a rather useless feeling, much like worry. What does jealously do for a person? It doesn’t make you feel good. It doesn’t help in any way. If you are insecure in your relationship, figure out why and fix it or leave the relationship and move on.

An ex-lover once asked me what I thought our relationship was and if I had issue with him seeing other women. He had been pushing for me to see other men and to find a “real relationship.” He actually brought this up on numerous occasions. I guess he wasn’t used to the non-clingy, non-jealous answers that I gave him. I recall him saying something along the line of not knowing if I was delusional and not being honest with myself or if I was really that way. Truth was I didn’t really care about him the way he thought I might. Yes, we had fun and I cared about him, but it was never going to be any big romance or love story. Although a lot of good things came from me giving him a chance, it was never going to be more than a bit of fun, a you scratch my itch and I’ll scratch yours kind of thing.

There was only one time that I felt jealous and I found it very odd to say the least. He, MySir, was Twitter friends with a young lady and they had this flirty thing going on. There were some comments made between the two of them that I didn’t particularly like. He had made a comment about a piece of art she had posted a picture of and she came back with something about how he knew what it looked like because he had seen it in her bedroom. I asked Him if they knew each other and had a relationship in real life and he said it was just an online flirtation. Some time after I brought it up again and he asked me if I was jealous. I said no at first then I realized that was exactly what I was feeling and told him so. It was tough admitting it because it meant admitting that I felt insecure and unsure about what the relationship we were having meant to him. I’m sure it also had to do with the fact that she lived in the same state as him while I lived 600 miles away. That is the only time I have ever truly felt jealous.

Click the Wicked Wednesday button below to read what others had to say about jealousy this week.




5 thoughts on “Jealous Much?

  1. That is interesting: I have never known about the rule of not dating an ex. But then again, thinking about it, I can see where it came from.
    Reading this post made me think of a couple I know of. They were swingers and they frequently played with another couple. Eventually both couple swap partners permanently – divorces and re-marriages. And they literally live happily ever after, and still swap partners. Sometimes life is a strange thing 😉

    Rebel xox

    • So true. I know of a couple who did the same thing. Next door neighbours. The husbands basically switched places and they are all happy still living next door to each other.

  2. I think I am very like you… I don’t really do sexual jealousy… I can’t think the last time I felt it… I do have moments of jealousy when people get to go places or do things that I want to do but event then it is very fleeting


  3. I know first-hand that feeling of missing out and longing for romantic attention and only recently have been able to overcome many of those feelings. Not that I have arrived- I am still working on them.

  4. Actually I think the whole, ‘this is my ex and I think he’s totally good for you’ thing kinda has merit. Why not match your exes with your friends if they make a great fit. No need to be jealous after all, you want to move on, right? Great post, Stella.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *